- 10:17 AM They say don't think about it, just write it. Usually I only need the first line and then I'm fine from there, but this is different. You say you're not going to leave me but I know you are. You say you're not and a part of me truly does believe you, but she will not accept that you won't go. You don't even know you're leaving yet. Dying counts as leaving too, you know. You say all those beautiful, beautiful words and I want to hear them, I want to believe them. But somehow I can't believe that someone like you can love someone like me as much as you say you do. Maybe such disbelief is only natural, once you've gotten something you've waited so long for maybe its only normal to be in some sort of shock and not believe it.
"I don't belong to you."
I know full well what you meant by that, but I also know what you could have meant and though I like to believe its not true she uses it as leverage against your claims and my hope.
"She's going to leave" she repeats and I can't even think about this properly and I tell her you're not, because you tell me you're not, but there are so many factors and so many things that you don't even understand
What if I can't even help you at all?
What if I'm just as useless as I think?
I think that I can do anything for you but I'm caught between this ideal and what seems like reality, and the reality is that I can't do all of this on my own. The very nature of this disease means that you must face up to it on your own. I can try to help you do that but what if I can't? What if you won't even listen to me?
I can't control you. Things would be so much easier if I could, but is easy really what I want? I always thought it was. Control, so that no one could ever leave me. But easy doesn't mean anything anymore. Easy or hard, all I want is you right now, and I can't give up on this. I need to keep trying.
If I just give up you will definately leave. But, if I try, however useless I turn out to be, at least I tried, right?
That's supposed to make things better, right?