- 10:49 PM I have no clue what I want.
Before when I was breaking down all I'd want is someone to hold me.
Now I only want to be alone. I want to be as far away as anyone else just so that I won't have to let them in, I won't have to care about them to have them leave.
I want to push them away because if I WANTED them to go then it won't hurt.

and at the same time I don't want to be alone SO BADLY that I would fall back into my pattern of being with someone just for that reason.
For trying so hard to get them, Kemuri-ing, just to get them when I don't even know if I WANT them.
I'll say anything to get you
How many times has that appeared in this journal?
I can say it all but then I wonder if I really mean it or if I just want her to have her.
To prove them all wrong that I don't have to be alone
Just because I'm Grey or fucked up or whatever.
But the thing is I don't believe it. So even if I'm with someone forever I might end up still being alone.
Right on the cusp.

At this point I'm wondering if being alone forever would be more ideal than trying for another heartbreak.

maybe I need a heartbreak that doesn't mean anything. So that when she leaves it hurts just like Sam or Kate and I'm well within a week.

Maybe I just need to use someone really badly.