- 7:56 AM "The goal is not to shoot the target, but to become one with the target."

I finally understand.
Thank you.

- 5:50 AM Imagine that.
How am I supposed to work against this?
I can fight anything for you, anything
Anything but you.
So how am I supposed to stand up to this?
Imagine my surprise though
when you start listing off all these things
all these things that I have said to myself before
I recognize them.
Selfish?
Well join the club. Its a human trait.
You think I'm not selfish?
You think I care so much?
That's not so true. I'm aware of my own selfishness, but, that can be a good thing.
Sometimes, the action is more important than the motive.
Sometimes, maybe.
Impurities?
Impurities don't matter.
Good or bad
in the face of Love, how can those things have any relevance?
They don't exist.
Love washes away all sins

And I see it within you
There's a maze
A thick and dark disease of self doubt, hatred, lies, of guilt and fear
But its there.
Pure and white, strong, but afraid
Regardless of what you believe, its there
I can see it and I can feel it.
And I believe I can help
It would be a lot easier if you believed in me too.


I'm glad you like it
it's you, after all.

- 4:26 AM I've always thought I was such a strong person
But I'm not
I can't do anything.

- 6:38 PM Well I'm feeling again, at least.

- 4:52 PM I cry way too much to be considered anything even close to manly
So, you win that one.

- 9:30 AM

I don't know what I hope to accomplish by posting these anymore
What I'm writing here will only bring you down.
That's why you shouldn't have read it.

Maybe I've been wrong all along.
Maybe I'm not strong enough to change anything
Maybe I can never do anything to help.
I don't know what to do
Only I know what to do, except I don't. I know what worked for me but sometimes I forget, not everyone is the same.
All I can think of to say is that I'm sorry. I'm not sure for what, but I'm sorry.
Whether its clear to me or not, there's something I should be doing, and I'm not doing it
So, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

I'm never going to stop trying, even if there's nothing I can do
I can't give up
I won't give up.
I need to try everything until there's nothing left.
And I'm sorry, you probly don't like hearing me pretend like I can help
I know how this sounds
I'm sorry.

I can't even think of what I'm trying to say.

I can't even say anything
words escape me
I'm sorry.

I need you.
I love you

this has probly only made things worse. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

- 4:49 AM I'm sorry I'm a bad person
But, I love you
[does that count for something?]

- 6:39 PM Because, I suppose this is necessary...
The three "worlds" exist like this:
Maren
Harrow
Maten
In levels like that. In order for this story to go on I suppose I must explain the worlds and how they work. To the best of my ability, at least.
Though its terribly chliche, the struggle between light and dark exists within everything so...
Maren can be best explained as the "light" world, well, as the people who come from there are called Lights. Its not really what you think though, because, well, I suppose it depends on who you ask but the Lights are not nearly as nice as their name might suggest. I'm biased though, so, my opinion might not be the most accurate.
Anyway, Maten on the other hand is the "dark" world, so to speak, and the people from there are called Darks. Now again I'm probly not the best person to be asking but the Darks are not evil people, they are in fact, rather nice. Well, some of them I suppose...it depends how you look at it. Anyway, that has nothing to do with anything right now.
Harrow, the middle world...is kind of like, middle ground. You see, its taboo for a Dark and a Light to have a child together, as Maren and Maten are in an eternal war with eachother that will probably never be won. When they DO have a child together, though, the child is referred to as a Grey. Because neither side really approves of Greys, once they are born they are sent to Harrow. Not that anyone really talks about it, because giving birth to a Grey will make you an outcast yourself, its pretty much covered up.
But Harrow is not only populated by Greys. Darks and Lights who do not want to participate in the battle between Maren and Maten (like, who don't take a side, and are nuetral), also live there. As well as people who have been exiled from either world. Its also a place that people from both sides go in order to collect information, talk with spies etc. but that really has no importance now does it?
The thing is that the people in Harrow who are not Greys are the people who run it, and even though they don't take sides they still view Greys as not human (though technically I guess no one there is human anyway). So because of this almost all of the Greys are homeless, and the ones who aren't live in slums. Not to mention that the Darks and Lights like to gang up on Greys and basically treat them like punching bags.
So anyway, the thing is, I was a Grey, at least, when I lived in that world I was.
The day I met Drayc, I was, as usual, being beaten by people who were not Greys. And this is probably why I am biased and think that Darks are better than Lights, but Drayc, who was a Dark chased them off. Whether Greys were taboo or not, he still didn't think anyone should be beaten unfairly.
Because Grey's weren't allowed to own any property, he bought me a house under his name. And for the next few years (I can only assume they were years, as I don't remember everything perfectly) we became very good friends (as he was really the only friend I had...Greys are often very isolated)
And if you asked me or I would think even if you asked him the story would be that we were lovers. The truth is though, that we never even kissed eachother. Somehow what we felt was able to transend the need to be shown through any type of physical expression, which is why I hesitate to say he was my "boyfriend" because that doesn't really accuratly explain it.
On with the story, though.
Because Drayc had basically changed everything I knew about the world, I liked the Darks better than the Lights. I had basically chosen that side, though, as a Grey there was really no point as that side didn't want me.
Well, one day Drayc came to Harrow as usual to visit me (I suppose he really didn't have much work to do, even though he was part of the army [called Oni Star], because he visited me a lot). But on that day he told me that he was switching sides in order to become a Light. Now technically he could not really become a Light but he COULD switch to their side - they had apparently offered it to him, along with some sort of eternal-life promise, because as I can only assume, his powers would've been quite useful to them.
But I didn't think it was right, one because I did not think the Lights were very good people at all, and two, because suddenly just changing your side just because the other people offer you something is a horrible thing to do.
I got mad at him, and there was yelling and such and eventually he left and he was not going to come back. He'd made his decision and he was going to join the Lights.
I couldn't accept this, because I felt betrayed by him - he had become a Light, something I hated, and he had also abandoned me, and I was alone like I had been before.
I was angry, and I wanted revenge.
So, even though I was not supposed to and I guess it was a rather risky thing to do, I snuck into Maten and somehow made it all the way to the head office of Oni Star, even though I was quite obviously a Grey.
The lady who runs the army, though she's not the ruler of Maten, is named Demona. When I told her about how I wanted revenge on Drayc, I suppose she felt she could use me - Drayc was an important member who she had just lost, and she wanted revenge for that as well. And because I would not give up, she thought I was the best person to use. We had a bit of a love-hate relationship, you could say. Because she did not like me, as I was a Grey, and yet she had to use me to get to him. I did not like her because she wasn't a very kind person and because she despised my Greyness, and yet I could also not disobey her because she was the one authorizing me to be in Maten and thus the only way I'd ever be able to get to Drayc in order to have my revenge.
The people in Oni Star were quite shocked that a Grey like me was even able to fight, because I guess they are told Greys are weak, and well, when your entire race is beaten down daily, I guess it looks that way. They gave me the name "Youkai" (which means demon), because my anger made me strong, but it also made me blind, like a demon in a rage.
Lots of things happened before I was actually able to work up to the point where I was able to face Drayc again, but I won't go on about it because I do not remember a lot and the parts I do remember are not exactly needed for this story to continue.
So the time came when I was able to face Drayc, one on one. I thought that I hated him for leaving me, and I was happy I'd be able to make him pay for it. But the time came for me to actually fight him and I had an open shot - I could have killed him. But I couldn't do it. I could have killed him but all I remembered at that moment was that I had loved him, and that he had saved my life. So I missed on purpose, and I didn't kill him.
Demona had been monitoring the fight because I think she sensed that this might happen. And of course it didn't make her very happy, as this was also HER chance at getting back at Drayc.
The moment I missed my shot at Drayc, she used magic (because some people in that world have it, and she just happened to be one of them) to call me back to where she was.
And, as punishment, she banned me not only from Maten, but from that dimension altogether. I got sent to this world as a child being born, and I'm not allowed to go back to that dimension.
Well, that is, until I die. But the chances of that happening soon are very small, and I don't really want to die either.
So there it is, a less condensed version of what I remember from that world.
Take from it what you will.

- 3:09 PM

I may have to move again sometime soon.