- 11:07 PM I'm an idiot and I have no idea what I want.
I think I want these things but what if it's just spur of the moment, what if it's just loneliness and insecurity?
I can't go confessing my love for someone just because I have some romanticized notion. Actions have consequences and when you tell someone you love them, you've gotta keep backing it up. You can't say "I made a mistake, I can't be in a relationship"
Sometimes I feel like I never really stopped loving her, but it's clear that I don't really understand my own feelings that well. Certainly not enough to trust them in big decisions. You can't say "I might be in love with you but I can't kiss you or do any of that coupley stuff, hope you don't mind!"
And I... I keep going back to this... I would take him back in a second. If he came to me and said he would stay I would never leave his side. But all of this, everything is so impossible. The chances are less than zero with either of them and I don't even know if I WANT there to be chances.
I'm such a fool. And I can't tell anyone, "I'm pining for a man who never existed" "I'm in love with him but really only knew him in a past life". It's crazy and sometimes I think that I am crazy
But he's a real person. A real person who's never coming back for me and I should just stop pretending that he will. He probably doesn't even think about me at all.