- 9:26 PM Half the time I pretend I am helping her, but at the same time, the cogs in my brain are turning and planning for the future. What if she was out of the way. Out of the way of what? It isn't like my problems would suddenly be solved. It's all just a fantasy, a delusion.

But I always think, I could treat her better than Alphard does. Half of me is hoping they split up, so I can swoop in a live out my fantasy for a while. A couple weeks, maybe even a month or more? How long before I realize and remember the reason why it can't work in the first place?

I'm running back to familliar things. Running back because it is so much easier than making a new life. Instead, finding somebody who already knows me well enough.

And deep down, I know anything I have with her would be a falsity. Just something I am trying out. And I'd like to think she'd know that too, but perhaps she wants it badly enough that she'd force herself not to see through me.

I would swoop in for her, if Alphard left. If only for a while. Let's all just pretend, for a while.