- 4:04 PM This morning I had a dream I got to hold you <3


i miss you.

- 6:22 PM It feels like I'm always in a battle.
I need to make her shut up.

- 11:32 AM

Ignoring them is,
not so easy

- 4:02 PM Nov. 2 - You told me honestly that you weren't going to leave me and that I wasn't worthless. I didn't believe you. I should have, because I knew you were telling the truth, but she wouldn't listen. I asked you if love was enough and, you took a long time answering it.

Nov. 11 - I was sleeping over at your house and I was awake as usual but you were asleep. I heard people moving around and talking outside the room, and they could've come in (they didn't), but I didn't move or anything because I didn't want to...even though it might've meant that they found out.

Nov. 13 - I honestly don't remember what this one is referring to. It may have had something to do with you saying you needed me, though.

Nov. 20 - You said that all my freaking out and doubting you were making you feel trapped or something. Which, was what I was afraid of.

Dec. 2 - I was freaking out about something...I think, maybe in regards to not being able to feel anything. Anyway, you called me, which wasn't a good idea since I can talk even less on the phone. Anyway, you said you didn't know what to do. She said that it was just like every other time, that nothing had changed.

Dec. 13 - Thinking about cutting myself, or making myself throw up. I didn't. She was trying to convince me I needed to take revenge, but I didn't listen to her.

Dec. 14 - I told someone on Post Secret I was thinking of cutting. I didn't want to make you feel bad because I didn't even think I'd do it, which is why I didn't tell you first. The person made me promise to tell you if I didn't think I could control it.

Dec. 29 - Started with the spells. Thought maybe that's what my chest pain was from, but it probly isn't.

Jan. 6 - She was angry because you said you were supposed to die, and wouldn't do anything to change it. Really it was just because we were scared we couldn't do anything to help, and you'd go away.

Jan 9 - Kemu (Kemuri) and Himmel are two of them. Kemuri told me a new way to use my spell that was more dangerous than the first, and Himmel was trying to talk some sense into me but I wasn't listening.

Jan 17 - She was mad because you said you would lie to me. She said if you lied about one thing you would have to be lying about everything else, that she was right all along. I was wondering if I should just stop caring and let you do whatever you wanted....because if what she said was true, you didn't care about me anyway.


and for January 20
Kemuri was trying to convince me into revenge again, but a much worse kind. I didn't listen to her, and I was hoping that believing in you wouldn't be the wrong choice.

and since I'm in an explaining mood, I could, uh, explain them...well, like, the ones who are usually there.
So you, don't get confused.
I don't know, you don't have to read it if you don't want, cause it sounds stupid and all but, I"m gonna ramble about it anyway.

You've kind of heard of Kemuri before but not really entirely. She tries to convince me to do a lot of things that are probably not good because she thinks they'll help. Like I said when I explained her before, she doesn't care what happens as long as she gets what she wants.

The one who always gets angry is The Youkai. I think its mostly because she's afraid, so she responds to everything by getting angry and fighting. She's outraged by almost anything whether its warrented or not, she also doesn't trust you, and while she's afraid you'll go she doesn't like you much either (mostly just because she doesn't trust you). She's kind of dormant right now because she had a breakdown. That was what the poem I wrote was about (the lion and the lamb).

The Grey tells me I'm not worth anything, and that I'll just be alone in the end. She doubts you more than any of them do. Its not really her fault, because that's all she's known, but it seems like there's no way to convince her. A lot of the times that I freak out its because of her. I try not to let what she says get to me but it doesn't always work. She's afraid all the time and recently she's constantly calling out what she thinks will happen. Sometimes I can ignore it, but I wish she'd give it a rest.

And finally there's Himmel. He's the best out of all of them. He's calm most of the time and tries to convince me not to believe the others when they're freaking out about things. Tries to get me to think clearly. He's very strong, in every way, but because he's so calm he's quiet and doesn't speak up a lot, which is kinda a bad thing. He's tried comforting The Grey before but it only worked for a second. He was the other person in The Lion and The Lamb. He's been taking good care of the Youkai since her breakdown, so hopefully he'll be able to keep her controlled. The bad thing is when Himmel starts agreeing with the others, which is when I really get afraid. Because Himmel isn't irrational like they are, and if he starts believing them then what they say has to be true...even if I don't want it to be, or if you say its not.

Anyway, I'm sorry if you didn't want to read any of that or if this is going to make you worry about me. But trust me, I've got it all under control, there's nothing to worry about. Really I think it would be better to take care of yourself right now...I'm doing alright, I don't need help, but I want to help you.

- 6:33 PM I suppose I overestimate my worth sometimes.
Often.

All the time.


and I'm a selfish ass for making this about me...once again.

- 6:26 PM Well duh, that was kind of obvious.
I'll be alright from now on.


self centred or not...do you think it snowed just for me?

- 4:43 PM It was a selfish question in the first place, I should not have asked it.

Besides, why ask a question if you're afraid to hear the answer?

- 10:05 AM

just forget it
i won't drag you down with me.

- 6:50 PM Why do you need me?

Not that I mind it at all, as selfish as it sounds, it feels very good to be needed by you.
I'm just surprised, that's all.

- 4:07 AM As you can see, I'm not dead.
Don't worry babe, I'm not going anywhere.

- 6:59 PM if I die tonight,
I am sorry and,
I love you.

- 4:39 PM

As much as they make me freak out, they've comforted me better than anyone.
They're helpful sometimes, at least.

- 6:07 PM I just find it kind of interesting that while you've had fantasies about people hurting you, I've had them about saving people from those kinds of situations.
Like maybe that's what I was made for?
But I've never been able to do it.

I've never been important enough to anyone to be able to save them.

- 12:19 PM I'm so sorry,
its always been this way.
Ever since I was a kid.
Because people care so much more for lies than they do the truth. They just slip out without me even thinking about it. And of course I can't take it back after it has.
And I know its probably hard to believe me right now, but please trust me, I never lie to you about important things. I can't. I don't feel guilty about many things, but if I lied to you about something like that I wouldn't be able to live with myself.
And since I told myself that I would stop doing it, then here, I will say it: I promise I will never lie to you.
There, its a promise, and I would not break a promise to you.
I am sorry, it will not happen again.

- 6:27 PM Please Tell Me I'll Be Ok...i don't want to die.

- 5:11 AM I did it again.
After being clean for almost four months I go and throw it all away.
Its a reasonable time for a relapse but still, there's no excuse.
I shouldn't have.
I know that you think there's nothing wrong with it, but try to understand where I'm coming from.
I'm sorry.
even if you think it isn't bad,
but if you told me not to do it, I wouldn't.
will you?

- 7:23 PM I'm sorry.
If I was better I could stop this. If I just tried a litter harder.
I thought I could help.
That's why I was crying today.
If not anything else, aren't I at least good enough to stay here for?
you wanna know something?
I plan how I'm going to kill myself if you die.
Every building, cliff, tower...I judge whether its tall enough to jump off of and not survive, whether or not I'd be able to get up to it. When I was going to Niagara falls I was memorizing the way to a park near Toronto that's full of cliffs, in case I ever had to go there. I think of what I'd write in my suicide note.
Maybe I'm just fucking morbid.
Why am I even saying this? Its only going to make you feel bad...but, I figured since we're talking secrets here.

I'm sorry I can't do anything.
I understand those feelings, and,
it just makes me feel even worse, because how come I can help myself, yet I can't help you?
I should be able to.
I know you said you're not in this so that I can help you, but, what good am I if I can't?

No, I'm not mad, I'm just frustrated, because I can't change things.
My first instinct in everything is to fight but I know it isn't going to help, or work at all in this situation.
If I seem like I'm mad, I'm only mad at myself.

Oh, and another secret:
I always say I'd never stay with someone if they abused me, but that's not the truth. Anything you might do to hurt me, I probably deserve. sound familliar? Hell, break every bone in my body if you want to. If that helps you. I've got to be good for something, right?

And yeah, I know that this probably doesn't have anything to do with me. I know I'm only being a dreamer if I think I can do anything but,
Fuck, I want to make you happy. Not so happy you could die. I want to make you so happy that you want to live. Its possible, you've got to know that.
and I know its your comfort zone, and you probably don't want to leave it but...trust me, its so much better. This is coming from someone who has been in both places. And yeah, its scary coming out of it, it really is, but baby, I'm here. You've got me, and even if it might not be that much of a comfort I'd like to think it helps even just a little. I'm always going to be here for you, you don't have to be afraid. Do you trust me? Things are going to be alright...if you let them.
please don't go away.