- 6:47 AM I tried to socialize, to have fun
But no matter how hard I tried I couldn't bring myself to care for those people. To be friends with them. They're fine people, they're nice. But all I could think the whole night was "Thank god they're graduating, and I'm going to Eastwood" because then I'd never have to deal with them again. I'll be so happy when it's over.

- 12:55 PM I don't feel very well.
Warm, solid, but hollow at the same time. I feel lost and I feel alone. But For some reason, not
Afraid.
As if I've always been alone. Always. And I've just realized it now. There's no use being afraid anymore because I've always been her, all by myself.
I felt it before, before now
I was slipping and falling away and I couldn't see because the darkness was everywhere and I was alone but I was surrounded by monsters and creatures who wanted to kill me
and no one who wanted to save me
no one who would
because you weren't there.
And I feel like I've finally realized that shouldn't scare me because I've been there all along.
But that can't be true.
Because I remember another place
I remember times when I was with you and I was falling away but I was saved from hell and allowed to continue living.
I remember being afraid and not being afraid and I remember being beside you and thinking you were not really there.
And God, I remember that I almost lost you and I almost died. I remember being entirely helpless and afraid, and yet...not being allowed to be. I remember trying to save you and fearing that I couldn't.
Because someone who is damned cannot save anyone.
And I was still afriad but you were not dying anymore, though I may have still been dying, and then you left. You said you would be there in the morning but I woke up and I was alone and I didn't believe you.
You left and I said this, I didn't say it to you because you were already gone, but I said this
"You are not allowed to leave. I am alone. I'm alone and I'm falling and you have to pull me back, you have to keep me here. I need you to save me."
And I cried and I ran for my life.
I can't let you go
Because
I'm still not safe yet.


I don't mind if things aren't fair because I am here to help you if you love me or even if you don't. Even though I would like it better if you did. One day you will save me but I must save you first. I understand all of this and so I alone will keep myself afloat until that day.

I don't really understand any of this
But you can't leave me because I need you to hold onto because if I don't I'll fall away into a place you can't save me from and I'll be alone forever in that place.

i don't really understand anything i'm saying.

- 5:19 PM You said that we couldn't get officially married until after we both had our carreers and everything. But that could take a long time, with schooling and all. And, you said before, that we could get married when you were 21.
It's making me really nervous. Do you remember why I said I was afraid to begin with? That didn't help. To me it sounded just like you didn't want to...so that it would be easier to leave me, once you decided I wasn't good enough.
It's not like I'm going to take you for granted. I'm not going to stop trying, obviously. It's not like you mean nothing to me.
But now I'm scared again. Do you understand that I can't be with anyone but you? After what I've given you, it's not possible. And that was part of why I was scared in the first place, but...you said you weren't going to leave, and I believed you. And I let you do that because I trust you, and I trusted that you wouldn't leave even though we're not legally married. but now you're putting it off, and I can't help but be scared again.