- 6:48 PM 16/09/08

Everything disgusts me. Just being here. I don't want to do my art. I hate it. I don't even want to write this but how else would you know. Even just being around people pisses me off. It makes me sick. All expecting things, everyone eager to do things that mean nothing to them. They don't even care about it so how can it bee self-expression? I think about my own and I want to rip it up - before it's even born. I could make it but I would hate it so what's the point? Put so much care into something so useless. I'd be better off tearing out my veins onto the paper. Nothing expresses me and it scares me. There is nothing I can do. I'm nothing but I know I'm here. That's frustrating. I hate everyone around me because they are around me but not with me. I can't stand it.

[9:33PM]
You're right that maybe I haven't been acting like I appreciate being with you lately. I got so caught up in everything I couldn't do or that I couldn't have and I lost sight of the main fact that I love you. And it's stupid but I just realized what I was doing. That I was taking everything for granted.
And yes when things happen I'm bound to be upset - because I'm human. But I shouldn't blame you as much as I've been doing and I should never lose sight again. I can't block myself in with despair and refuse healing.
As The Destroyer maybe I should honestly try not to be addicted to this destructive rage. not to think if only I could hurt someone just this once.
Because...I've started to see that maybe that won't make things better.

I've realized some reasons for why it's hard for me to speak. The first is maybe just an excuse but certainly valid in many situations. I have a strong connection to the written word and things always seem so much more clumsy when spoken aloud - by myself or others. It cannot do them justice and I don't feel right doing things in such an improper way.
The second reason is possibly more believable and I suppose I've always known it. I am afraid that when I really need to speak something, to say it aloud - and this is a rare occurance - that it will go unnoticed. That my plea for help, for that which I need, will go unanswered.
I've seen that fear realized and it hurts like you cannot imagine.

- 4:51 PM I think it's kind of silly for me to believe there would be others who were from my world here, or at least those who knew about it. Is it naive to hope for it? Just because I miss it sometimes...

I don't know where Kemuri and Grey are...aside from the last time I saw them. Anything could have happened, since Kemu finds it hard to be attached to anyone and Grey finds it hard to be apart from them. I don't know if I'm worried about those two or not.
But I am...worried about the others. Youkai and Himmel are separated. Himmel, I think is in Harrow right now...and I know Youkai wouldn't ever go back there. I think she is in East Maten, but that's not for sure. I wish I knew what happened to them and how they're doing.

I think because things are so different between this world and that one, I miss what things were like. But I think for what might be the first time, I am truly happy here. I've been able to see how everything slowly works out like it should...and maybe I can turn this punishment into something better.