- 11:07 PM I'm an idiot and I have no idea what I want.
I think I want these things but what if it's just spur of the moment, what if it's just loneliness and insecurity?
I can't go confessing my love for someone just because I have some romanticized notion. Actions have consequences and when you tell someone you love them, you've gotta keep backing it up. You can't say "I made a mistake, I can't be in a relationship"
Sometimes I feel like I never really stopped loving her, but it's clear that I don't really understand my own feelings that well. Certainly not enough to trust them in big decisions. You can't say "I might be in love with you but I can't kiss you or do any of that coupley stuff, hope you don't mind!"
And I... I keep going back to this... I would take him back in a second. If he came to me and said he would stay I would never leave his side. But all of this, everything is so impossible. The chances are less than zero with either of them and I don't even know if I WANT there to be chances.
I'm such a fool. And I can't tell anyone, "I'm pining for a man who never existed" "I'm in love with him but really only knew him in a past life". It's crazy and sometimes I think that I am crazy
But he's a real person. A real person who's never coming back for me and I should just stop pretending that he will. He probably doesn't even think about me at all.

- 9:33 PM Everything has changed and everything I thought I wanted has been turned all around. Who am I now? I'm not exactly... upset about that but... I always thought love would save me, but it never has. Never, ever, ever. But now I'm surrounded with the realization that no one will save me. Do I need saving? Who knows. There will never be anyone to find out.
I would run back into his arms if he would save me. Into hers, too, but I know that's unlikely. It's all so damn unlikely and impossible.
And I find myself staring out at that red light, blinking there in the winter, and I want to run to it even though I know what it is. I know it isn't him. He's not coming back and I've got no one to run to. A light is just a light. But there's always the thought that maybe, just maybe it's a beacon. Maybe it's a saviour come to call me home.