- 3:50 AM It was so much worse than I thought it would be.

- 5:53 PM I can't even think about it or remember it. Yeah, I guess I'm a coward in that way. I know all of those things happened, I know how it felt to me. But I push it so far into the past that I refuse to even look at it. Its the past, why do I even have to think about it?
The thing is that I hate who I used to be. I was broken. But I didn't turn it on myself, no, of course not. It was everyone else. I always thought it that way. I hated everything, everyone. Because nobody knew. They didn't know how I felt, they knew nothing about my suffering, I couldn't tell any of them, they wouldn't care or wouldn't believe or both. This world, it was not my world so of course, it wanted to hurt me. I hated it. So I wouldn't let it hurt me.
I've said that love saved my life, but that is not true. HATE, saved my life.
I could have ended it all, gone home, sure there would've been punishment there, but it would've been worth it to be in my own world again. But, my hate.
For everything.
I knew how happy they would be if I gave in, how powerful they would feel - that they could make another being despise their life enough to take it. I hated them all. And I would never make them happy, never. They wanted me to give in, and hell if I was gonna do them any favours.
And so began my era of defiance. I trusted no one. Back then, it was true...not even my friends.
I became so utterly destructive, not to myself but to others, which may have ultimately affected me negativly, even if I couldn't realize it back then. Pain infected my entire body - emotionally and physically. That's what they called that counsellor in for. Her office looked nothing like they do in movies, it looked cold...I was never at ease. I can't talk to you, I can't. Yeah, I don't do my chores, that's what it is. Do I think that would help? Maybe. Maybe. That's what I always say. Maybe. I don't know.
I can't tell you, you don't care, and I hate you for it. You say you want to help me but you really just want to tell me that I'm making all this up. I would never tell you. Oh god, I'm not making this up. I'm so afraid.
Afraid? No, I can't be afraid. I'm not afraid of you. I hate you!
And all of my fears and my pain I cried out to him, I cried to him all night, begged, pleaded, you know the drill. And he'd comfort me, sometimes. But he would get angry. Or maybe not angry, but something like that.
I just wanted to forget everything, I needed something to push it all away. Oh, it was there, but if I just could ignore it for any amount of time. And that? It takes so much focus, so much concentration, becuase I never wanted it in the first place. But you see? If you focus on that so much, you'll forget everything else. If only for a moment.
Oh, I was pathetic.
And I despised myself for hurting him. What the hell was I doing?
And that bred more anger. I can't stop myself, I need to get away from this world. I had to leave. This place was no good for me. Oh won't you please bring me home? I promise I'll stop, just please bring me home.
but I was stupid, I doubt he even had that power. Besides, how could he love me after what I did? Even after apologizing, I'd already done him wrong. It was not to be forgiven.
I wanted to hurt everyone. I was trapped here, and the only way out, it seemed, was to fight. And I did hurt people. People I didn't care about...and those that I did. Oh god, how am I supposed to tell you THAT secret? Anger destroys so many things inside of people, and that leads people to destroy many things. I'm so, so sorry.
Then she came along. I thought she might believe me. She wasn't like everyone else. I'm sure you know that about her. Eventually I told her about him, of course I played the victim, I never did disclose that I was the one at fault. Of course, at that point, I didn't believe that I was. I'd grown to hate him too, because he left me here. Even though, it was me all along.
and she didn't think I was making him up. She believed me, or at least, she acted like she did, and that was enough.
But she left. Of course she left. "I understand" was the first thing I said. But I didn't. Not at all. I was trying to be civil but I couldn't even breathe. I had a ticket out of all this anger and hatred - imagine, in a world like this, finding something to love? But it was taken away from me. Anger, again. Hatred, even more than before.
But, in the end all of that, saved my life.
I couldn't stay the way I was. It was killing me. I had to change. I would never let this world destroy me. I fought so hard...first, because of her, I tried to become something I was not. I thought if I could be more like her, hey, maybe people would actually care. But I couldn't become that. So I thought it was hopeless. Cursed to be alone forever.
but something shone for me and I don't know from where, but I thank every god I can think of that it did. Hope. For years, I had nothing but this. This kept me going. Hope that, it couldn't end this way. I never expected it to happen, of course, because who would ever really believe or understand me? But I wanted so badly for that to happen, as long as there was even the faintest possibility I had to try for it. I needed something to live for. So, what did I pick? So unbefitting of a human who had become a nest for all sorts of anget and hatred, I chose love.
Hate can only do so much. Imagine, if I could find, in this world I hated so much, something to love?
Wouldn't that just be so profusely scandalous?
But there was no one there, because I trusted no one. Loving a person wasn't in my reach back then. Oh, I dreamed for so long that I would have someone who knew my pain. But those were only dreams.
What else could I love?
For a while, I loved the human mind. So sick and twisted. Capable of doing anything or prohibiting anything. So disgustingly ugly that it was, in a dark way, beautiful. We are such horrible creatures. None are like us.
But I never could love such minds for real, no. I still hated them.
So what else?
Eventually, I had focused on the Earth. In a way, it is like me. The Earth never chose for us to come and destroy it. We come and defile all that is holy and it can't do anything but be victimized by us. That, and continue on. All it knows how to do is go on, as best it can, despite what is hurting it.
I won't ever, ever give up on this.
This life is not easy. Happiness, is not easy. You are not entitled to it. In fact, it would make this world immensely joyful if you were as miserable as you can get. Such is the sickness of all of this.
But I need something different, or I can't live with myself.
I hate who I used to be. And I will NEVER let myself become that way again. And so I fight on every day against what could push me back into that, I am not going to let it destroy me, not ever again.
I have done so many horrible things for so many selfish reasons.
I can not be forgiven for these things, but
If I am to have any peace at all, it is in the fact that I am not that way anymore.

The past is in the past.
I have been so many things, but no longer.

That is why I can't even bear to think about it.

- 7:23 AM

This hurts more than any illness ever could.
I am not worth this
Please, do not hurt yourself on my behalf
I would rather be infected with the word's deadliest disease than have you be in pain

this hurts more than anything.

- 4:07 AM I'm scared.
I don't even know why, but I'm scared.


I've decided I'm going to believe what you say, so please, please don't lie to me
(not telling me things also counts as lying)

- 7:51 PM I'm sorry if it's hard for me to say things.
I've never talked to anyone before.

(if you ask me what's wrong and i'm silent, i know what i want to say, i just don't know how to get the words out of my mouth. tell me to say it. i will try very hard, i promise.)

- 4:51 PM

Now is not the time for self-doubt.
How can I do anything if I don't think I can?
"Something will happen."


I never want to get used to you.
I never want to take you for granted.
Because that's just not right.

But its not so hard to focus on loving you
That comes naturally.

You say I'm not afraid to love, but that's only because, it is the only thing I CAN do.
It is the only thing in this world that I have.

- 4:20 AM

FOCUS

- 2:27 PM I think I might have lied, accidentally.

When was the last time you seriously wanted to die?

- 12:25 PM You are different.
I know you are. I truly do. Believe me on that.
But you're right, I am afraid.
I'm afraid to trust myself. I'm afraid to trust what I know is true because, what if my mind is flawed? What if I don't really know anything at all?
And, what if I do something to mess this up? I'm afraid because you are different from everyone else, I'm afraid that I'll lose you, because I'm just not good enough.
I know you say that I'm doing enough. But I don't really believe that I am. I'm average at best. I should be doing so much more than this. You know, I'm not really afraid of being alone. I'm fine on my own, I've been on my own for so long. I'm alright with that. What I'm actually afraid of, is losing you. I'm so afraid I'll do something that will make you mad at me, or something that's just beyond what you can accept me for. I'm so afraid I'm going to make just that one little mistake.
I'm already screwing this up anyway, you feel like you're trapped.
This is why you shouldn't have asked for my emoblog in the first place. Because I freak out WAY too much even when I KNOW there's no reason to. No good can come of it. I know that my fears are irrational. But that doesn't mean they're not there.
I never meant for this to happen, I'm sorry.

And, guess what?
I need you too.

- 4:20 AM

Do I make things better, or do I only make it worse?
Do I change anything at all?

- 5:58 PM You know what? On second thought, that only makes things worse.
Even if you die you'll stay with me? How could I have taken that as comfort for even a second? How could I have been so niave? Its just the same thing over again. Do you know what its like loving someone who's not really there? I don't want another Drayc. I don't. I can't. If you want to stay with me, then STAY. Fight fate, God, whatever you have to if you want to stay with me. If you don't want to stay, just tell me so. You don't have to lie. Don't lie to me.

And look at this! I have to make this all about me. What's my fucking problem? I'm selfish, I can think just like the rest of them do but that won't change anything now will it?
Then how about this? I can be just like you. It won't be hard, it actually looks rather simple. It only takes one thing. Yeah, why don't I just give up for a while and just let it happen? I'm tired of being so strong. I can be just like you.
But that won't help anything at all. In fact it will only make things worse. I know this, I listen to it. Thank fucking God for my brain. Can't always listen to my heart because sometimes my heart can't even fucking beat. And yeah there's a fucking attack going on in my mind, but at least my brain can think for fucking once. I know that wouldn't help anything at all, it would only make you feel worse. Hey, maybe I deserve punishment too. Ever thought of that? Yeah, I know I do. Probably more than anyone. But you know? Punishment and penance never solved anything, not even once, they only made more problems. So I'll tell you what you deserve, because its the same thing I and everyone else deserves. Everyone deserves to be fucking selfish maybe for once. Everyone deserves what the person that loves them says they deserve because, if you'd fucking believe me for once you'd know that's the only thing that matters anyway.
Do you see me being selfish now? Because these words are more to help me than to help you. But that's the kind of person I am, I'm a bad person that way. But you love me, so maybe that's ok, alright?
I'm sorry if I end up killing you.
If you die, I die. How about that? How's that for some fucking motivation? I can't even promise you I'll try, because I know I won't. What other reason is there to stay here anyway? If you die, I get to be really selfish.
How's that?
Oh look, the phone just rang. It wasn't you. Of course it wasn't you. Other people who want to help me, but its not like they can do anything at all. They're as fucking powerless as I am. You say you're here to help me? I'm fine. I've been helped. I gave up on finding you even before I met you, to tell the truth. I figured since I'm gonna be alone forever anyway I might as well learn to help myself, right? You know?
I've got advice for you. You want to help me? Then let me help you. Listen to me, believe me. For once, please.
They say you can't love anyone unless you love yourself first. Do you believe that? Neither did I but you know, its kinda true, you know? You say you're not sick but you really don't know anything. Yeah watch me being selfish right now, I'm saying all these things that I know won't help but I'm saying them anyway. You say you don't want to leave me but its not like you're helping anything. If you don't want to stay just say it alright, don't do this. You're killing yourself. Even if you don't know it, if you refuse to believe it, if you're doing it so slow that no one seems to fucking realize.
Don't do this to yourself.
Don't punish yourself, you've done nothing wrong. Punishment is the worst thingt that ever happened to this world. IT NEVER SOLVES ANYTHING.
There's something so fucked up about a world where angels think they deserve to be punished because they don't fit a description made up by mankind. They know nothing about anything. Don't let them control you!
This world, I hate a world like this.
This world, this world is not my world but you are here so I will take it, I'll get through it.
You saved me, so how can you not be some kind of angel?

- 4:17 AM

Shut up
How can you even say these things when you know they aren't going to happen?
When you know it isn't true?
Are you really so dense, so fanatical, that even knowing the truth won't stop you?

You can tell me you know the "truth" all you want, but that doesn't change things. What you want isn't going to happen. Its not supposed to happen. And even her love for you won't stop her from leaving.

How can I not believe what she says? I've had all these misconceptions of people all this time, and she isn't what I thought everyone to be like. Why should I not believe her when she says she loves me? And that she won't leave?

Because she doesn't care. She doesn't care if she leaves you behind. And there's nothing you can do to make her care. People don't care, that's how it goes. And the more you love them the more they want to leave. Nobody is supposed to love you. That's not what you're made for.

She said she wouldn't leave.
And she told me not to listen to you.
She won't leave
(please don't leave,
please say you won't leave)

- 3:28 PM I don't really know why
But somehow, I felt
"Write here."
And I had to. I just had to write something
The thing is, it really isn't your fault.
You're not doing anything wrong.
It's just that, I'm not used to things turning out this way.
I'm not used to people staying.
I need to learn.
And, I am learning.
It's something new, but, it's real this time.

You've done more for me than I could ever express.

- 4:02 AM I told you all of this because I do feel safe with you. If I didn't, I would never have told you anything. Do you get it?
Her logic likes to tell me you'll leave me for those things, but I told you because beneath that...I knew you wouldn't. There are so many I didn't even tell a little bit of this to. Because it wasn't just her saying it, I knew they wouldn't understand.
But I trusted you from the start.
Even if I might not have acted like it.
I was only saying what she's said to me, because I needed you to prove her wrong.
You did, every single time.

I'm going to talk to her and try to make her see. She'll come around eventually.
I can do this, I promise.

- 3:33 AM I wonder if you even know what you're getting youself into.
Watch what you say and what you promise, because I will cling to those words like the world is ending. I'll actually believe you. I wonder if you're even aware of what you're doing. When you go like she says you're going to go, I will use those words against you. I'll tell you what you said and you'll tell me "they're only words." But words are not only words.
Forever means forever
Oh God, please don't go after reading that. Please.
I don't want to trap you with your words, but what else can I do?

I'm so fucking useless. I can do absolutely nothing at all. There's no reason you'd want to stay. So my only hope is to do whatever I can to make you love me so much that you won't be able to go. This is the only thing I can do.
One day you'll realize I can't really do anything and then no matter what I've done, it won't matter.
I want to do everything, be everything for you. And I believed that I could, I really did. But I know you would not want me to think that. And seeing as I've not accomplished anything thus far, its logical to assume that I'm useless no matter what I believe.

I'm so sorry to bring all of this up again. Just after it looked like I'd clued in, right?
Please, don't get me wrong, I believe you. I believe you, but she says I shouldn't. She keeps telling me you'll leave and I keep telling her you won't. And I know, logically, you won't. But fear is irrational and she won't listen to a word I say.

I'm so, so sorry.

- 3:41 AM Useless or not, you love me.
And you aren't going to leave.

I've finally realized it.
It's finally sunk in.
Everything that I have...

Maybe, I can't help you.
I can't force you to do anything
And fighting isn't going to help
Because, nothing I say is getting through to you.
Maybe I can't make you believe me.
But I can believe in myself. And I can believe in you.
I can't do this for you.
I accept that.
I will keep loving you, and hope that you come to believe me on your own. That you can find the strength to love yourself.
I BELIEVE IN YOU.

Things are going to be alright.

- 5:28 PM I don't know if I'll bother with the note.
Somehow it doesn't seem good enough anymore.

I'm sorry, please don't be mad at me.
But if I stood by and did nothing I would have nothing but contempt for myself.
I realize that there are some things I can't change.
But God means nothing.
I can do more than you think.

I just need to know how.
I need to focus more.

And I know dying is the most selfish thing I could do,
but I never claimed to be a selfless person
not even once
Maybe that will give you some motivation to look after yourself.

I hate how I can't make you realize how beautiful you are.
If I could, maybe I would be worth something.

But I'm not going to give up.

- 10:17 AM They say don't think about it, just write it. Usually I only need the first line and then I'm fine from there, but this is different. You say you're not going to leave me but I know you are. You say you're not and a part of me truly does believe you, but she will not accept that you won't go. You don't even know you're leaving yet. Dying counts as leaving too, you know. You say all those beautiful, beautiful words and I want to hear them, I want to believe them. But somehow I can't believe that someone like you can love someone like me as much as you say you do. Maybe such disbelief is only natural, once you've gotten something you've waited so long for maybe its only normal to be in some sort of shock and not believe it.
"I don't belong to you."
I know full well what you meant by that, but I also know what you could have meant and though I like to believe its not true she uses it as leverage against your claims and my hope.
"She's going to leave" she repeats and I can't even think about this properly and I tell her you're not, because you tell me you're not, but there are so many factors and so many things that you don't even understand
What if I can't even help you at all?
What if I'm just as useless as I think?
I think that I can do anything for you but I'm caught between this ideal and what seems like reality, and the reality is that I can't do all of this on my own. The very nature of this disease means that you must face up to it on your own. I can try to help you do that but what if I can't? What if you won't even listen to me?
I can't control you. Things would be so much easier if I could, but is easy really what I want? I always thought it was. Control, so that no one could ever leave me. But easy doesn't mean anything anymore. Easy or hard, all I want is you right now, and I can't give up on this. I need to keep trying.
If I just give up you will definately leave. But, if I try, however useless I turn out to be, at least I tried, right?
That's supposed to make things better, right?