- 5:15 PM I Think Something's Wrong With Me...maybe...

- 2:47 PM I should've stopped myself.
No wonder you won't talk to me...

- 3:26 PM I think I'm going to try again...

- 7:00 PM It doesn't feel like Christmas
Or like any sort of holiday at all.
It doesn't bother me, I've just noticed...things aren't like they were when I was young.

- 8:32 PM I Can't Do This.

- 11:15 AM

I Think There Might Be Something Wrong When My Heart Rises Into My Throat And Beats Like Hell And All I Can Feel Is A Tight Pain. I Think It Might Be Bad That I Can See My Heart Beat Through My Chest. But Then, There's Probably Nothing Wrong.

- 5:49 PM What would you do if I...

What am I talking about?
Am I the stupidest person in the world or what?

- 4:49 PM I was going to post this a while ago, but I didn't.
I thought about it again so I'm posting it now.
(just a memory)

Coloured lights.
I don't know what they mean to other people but they calmed me down. Glowing in the night - its always lighter in the winter.
I stared out there, and the snow, the snow looked so warm. So much more comforting than in here.
I wanted to be anywhere but here.
I didn't know it then, but I wanted to be home. The snow and those lights somehow made me feel safe. The snow asks nothing of you. It says nothing, it just quietly falls.
I could wrap it around me and feel safe. Its still like that. I feel safe in the snow. The snow always smiles at me. As long as there's snow...
Once, it was a green christmas. I pity anyone that has to go through that. How could there not be snow?
I hated this because all I got were presents from people who didn't care about me at all. They think I'll be happy just having something to open. But its the same thing every year and I don't mean anything to you. You think you're making kids happy at christmas? You're not.
I'm still alone at the end and I'm still sad and I'm still stuck here and I still can't do anything about it.
But the snow cares about me. Its made of peaceful happiness and that is its gift to me. But I can't be with it, I'm stuck in here. So I'm still alone, even if it loves me.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I always used to dream that someone cared about me.
I knew there had to be something out there...

- 7:09 PM I was oddly peaceful today
I haven't even cried!
I missed you, a lot...
But I was still happy because, at least I had you to miss
if that makes any sense.
I'm so very very happy that I have you.

This new story I'm writing...
I feel like it brings me closer to my world.
I miss it, yeah...but I'm alright with not being able to go back.
It doesn't really bother me anymore.
Its just strange that...I mean, I'm assuming everything's the same there, but I really have no idea what's happened since I left. Everything might have changed, so there's really no point in dreaming about what I had there...you know?
And, I was thinking...the story might also let you learn more about my world.
I've kept it all to myself for so long...and I'm really glad you don't think I'm crazy or stupid for all of this.
I'd like you to know, if that's alright, of course.

- 6:07 AM

Dec. 02 2007

Haven't been on PSC for a while. Too flustered to talk about things, or something like that.
-Stomach hurts (I won't tell her though cause she'll feel bad)
Cable was down this morning. I was sad - couldn't talk to her. Turns out she was at church anyway. No loss, right? Played video games instead of internet. That made me happy.
"You abhor me, don't you?" I knew exactly how he felt. But do I know how I feel?
Kept checking the phone to see if she was online. Got scared, went upstairs to cry. She said she would call me. I didn't want her to. I'm no good with phones. Sometimes she sounds like Meuki on the phone.
Says she wants to help me, but doesn't know how.
So, you can't help me? I feel alone again.
I love you. If I could see you now it would be ok. That's how you can help.
Hang up. Feel empty, can't cry. Cable is working, go online.
Eat dinner, garlic bread tastes bad. Not to be arrogant, but I can cook better than you.
Shower.
I'm so afraid today, don't know why.
Did I cry? I can't remember.
I say hi but you go offline. Nice name, are you emo right now? More fear.
I write a poem. I like it.
Forced to talk on the phone. Hi Granny, I don't really want to talk to you. You know nothing about me.
Might not be school tomorrow. I should read, just in case.
Christmas tree - reminds me of you. I want to help you. Do you want me? I'm scared today. Maybe it will be better tomorrow.
Didn't expect you to be online so late. I feel better, not scared anymore. Goodnight.

Dec. 03 2007

I had a very interesting dream. I love dreams like that. There was a part that reminded me of post secret. I hung up this banner on a pole that said "I WISH..." and the next day people had glued all their wishes and secrets to it. I wish I could actually do that!
I went online and she wasn't on. She's probably sick, sleeping in, but I miss her anyway. It IS actually a snow day today. So at least I don't have to sit through classes. I was standing by the radio, poised for the news, like some little kid. Busses are cancelled <3 YES! There's a source of joy at least.
She comes online! I'm glad she could stay home, she needs the rest. Extreme happiness.
I learned a nice lesson today, after watching "Cold Case".
"I am better than the worst thing I've done"
I guess, Nazis were people too. I learn new things every day.
She says my writing is cryptic...I like it that way. Its not that hard to figure out, is it? Bad enough I've gotta write it, I don't like explaining things.
But I love her, so I'll put up with that.
Didn't technically accomplish much today.
The Scarlet Letter is a good book, read it if you get the chance.

Dec. 04 2007

Feeling very happy right now. No reason that I can think of, seeing as I was crying for no reason just a few minutes ago.
Is that a bad sign?
Oh well! I'm happy!
Today I left a post-it note on the bus, it said:
"No matter what happens, you are not alone"
I hope it made someone happy.
I take the bus a lot, I think I'll leave more, if I can.
I start work tomorrow. My first real job. Pretty scary.
Today she told me she's materialistic. How'd we end up together? Oh well! I love her anyway!
Today, I also realized I really love the way my body looks. Even having boobs - I can deal with that.
I'm so full of hope right now!
I feel like I can help her.

PS: I couldn't find the notebook I used for the other entries, so I used this one!

PPS: A not-so-secret -- I love kissing her <3

Everybody! I'm feeling great!

Dec. 05 2007

first day of work today. About four hours of orientation! Boring. And, it was hot in there. I like my uniform.
I don't get to see her a lot, because of my training. Only for a week, but that's a long time...
So I'm emo now. I might get to see her friday though. I hope.
I'm not very happy to have a job, I feel tied-down, I can't do anything anymore.
Maybe it'll get better once training is done.
This entry seems short, but I'm tired and feel like crying for a bit, so I'll stop writing now.

Dec. 06 2007

First day of training! Watching videos for the first part...boring really. The next part...showing around the kitchen and such...I didn't sit down for so long. My back is killing me.
Is it just me, or do those trainers seem a little too enthusiastic about the job?
Disappointed to find out almost everything is pre-made at that place.
My friend called while I was gone...told me to call her back, but never picked up.
I was thinking about how amazing it is that I ended up with my girlfriend. How fate seemed to work out so perfectly.
Might see her tomorrow, won't know til then though.
Really tired, really thirsty.
Chocolate milk time!

Dec. 07 2007

What a day!
She came over today <3
I got to cuddle with her so much. That's good, since I can't see her much while I'm in training for work.
She actually almost read this notebook...I wonder if she knows about PSC?
I cried as soon as she left. I won't get to see her for so long!
I left another note on the bus. It said "YOU ARE LOVED"
I took the same bus back and there was a guy sitting where I left it. I wonder if he found it?
Work...not so good. Today, I fainted at work. I haven't fainted for over ten years. I don't know why it happened. I don't really want to go back, cause they'll talk about it, but I have to.
I was lying on the floor, blacked out and twitching, and I just thought about how this would make her worry about me. I wanted her there.
But she hasn't been online, so I'll talk to her tomorrow.
I wish that hadn't happened. I hate drawing attention to myself.

Dec. 08 2007

I miss her so much I can hardly go ten minutes without crying. This week is gonna be hard on me. I don't want to go back to work. Everyone will ask how I am. They'll all make up their own private theories as to why I fainted. But they know nothing about me. Everyone thinks they know everything, but they know nothing.
Told her about PSC, about this, cause she wants to read it.
I wonder if she'll go looking for me? It won't be hard. For some reason, I hope she doesn't.
I have to go to work soon. I don't want to.
My head hurts.
I wish I could quit now and leave all of this. None of it matters.
I miss her too much.
I'm crying again.

Work wasn't so bad. People didn't really talk about it. We didn't do anything though. Just stood around and watched demos. They made food... it looked so tasty <3 PASTA!
But then...
they threw it out
Breaks my heart!
How can you just do that? Aside from all the starving kids and stuff...Don't they care about the food at all? Shouldn't it mean something to them? That's what I don't like about that place. No passion for their creations.
All that food, gone.
Its like wasted lives.

I just got off the phone with her. Usually I start to cry but this time I didn't.
It felt weird.
My eyes hurt though. Both from being tired and from crying this morning.
I wonder if people can tell I've been crying?

Bedtime now.
Last entry.
Hope you enjoyed a week of my life...

- 5:58 PM "I miss it, but I can't go back"

I know exactly how that feels.
I'm so sorry you had to experience that...
I hope I can ease that pain, if only a little.

- 4:07 AM

Fear can drive stick
And it's taking me down this road
A road down which
I swore I'd never go
And here I sit
Thinking of God knows what
Afraid to admit
I might self-destruct

So lock the windows
And bolt the door
Cuz I've got enough problems
Without creating more

I feel like I was born
To devastation and reform
Destroying everything I loved
And the worst part is
I pull my heart out, reconstruct
And in the end it's nothing but
The shell of what I had when I first started

Usually I'll cause my own first hit
It seems to me to be slightly masochistic
But there'd be no story
Without all this descension
So I inflict the conflict
With the utmost of contemption

So lock the windows
And bolt the door
Cuz I've got enough problems

Without creating more

I feel like I was born
To devastation and reform
Destroying everything I loved
And the worst part is
I pull my heart out, reconstruct
And in the end it's nothing but
The shell of what I had when I first started

Thank you God
For giving me the insight
So I might make
These wrongs right
If and when
There ever is a next time
Cuz failure is a blessing in disguise

Pull my heart out, reconstruct
And in the end it's nothing but
The shell of what I had when I first started
The shell of what I had when I first started

I feel like I was born
To devastation and reform
Destroying everything I loved
And the worst part is
I pull my heart out, reconstruct
And in the end it's nothing but
The shell of what I had when I first started
(When I first started)
(The shell of what I had when I first started)

- 5:39 PM Don't even try coming back Drayc.
Not the way you always try to.
I can't be with you anymore.
Don't think you can win me over.

He always called me Rai.
Well of course he did, I was always Rai there.
Rai is my real name. That is who I am.
The "general public" can call me other things because I don't care about them at all, and they don't care about me.
But I love you, and when you don't call me by my name it hurts.
When people I don't really even know can call me Rai but you don't, that hurts.
It kind of feels like you don't care.

- 12:34 PM I miss you
so much

- 6:41 PM I knew that I was being insensitive, and I'm sorry.
I would like to say though that the same thing goes for people who do things that are harmful to themselves...it hurts everyone who cares about them.

I've been told that I'm a rationalist.
I guess this might be true because I try to see everything from all sides - I try at least - and therefore my opinion changes based on the situation almost all the time.
Yes, I don't believe that murder is a very "good" thing to do. It makes things complicated for many many people. I don't really believe in good and bad, I believe in things that bring us forward, and things that hold us back. Murder causes problems for far too many people in the majority of cases and therefore the things it brings to the killer do not outweigh the trouble it brings to everyone else.
However if possible I try to see things from the killer's perspective. It doesn't mean I justify what they've done, it only means I've made an effort to understand. Whether to forgive them or to judge them or to justify whatever they've done is completely my choice.
Everything comes down to choices, in the end.

I know we're not going to agree entirely on this subject, and that's alright.
But I do agree with you that murder is not a very nice thing.

I believe that people are capable of far more destructive things than murder, though.

- 6:44 PM I was freaking out about it all morning.
I mean, of course I told myself there was really nothing to freak out about, but naturally it didn't help.
I know it was probably nothing, but I can't seem to calm down.

I was going to write something else in here but after that happened I just couldn't.

On a side note, I want to write more of that story...but I fear its losing its way.

- 6:55 PM I don't know if you're gonna like what's written in that "journal".
Just remember, that's how I felt when I was writing it.
I change all the time.

Felt so bad today.
Cried up until I had to go to work. Right from the second you signed off, pretty much.
I don't know why.
But I think I might be better now.
For now.

Sometimes I feel like I can't handle any of this.
I just want to run away, or disappear, or anything else.
But more than any of that, I just want to be with you.

I'm sorry that I cry too much.
but that seems like its all that i can do.

- 7:44 AM

Now
I'm
Scared.

- 11:43 AM Mostly, I am just afraid of how afraid I am.
How did this happen?
I just remember wishing you were there.

I mean, I was supposed to be blacked out but all I could do was think
I'm always thinking
why can't it just shut up for once?
Starting to feel sick, ok, breathe. Stomach hurts, probly just hungry.
Feel sick, probably just hungry, it'll go away.
Shaking, check skin for dehydration.
Can anyone see me?
Vision going dark - alright, just like if I stand up too fast. Its fine, it'll go away.
Can't see anything, I should probly get outta here.
Falling, oh well, can't stop it now.
I'm down - Don't move, then you won't have to explain yourself. Just keep your eyes closed.
She's going to worry about me.
What if I don't wake up? How will she know?
Oh, they're calling for me. Guess I can't pretend anymore.
Open eyes.
I said it was embarrassing but not really.
I didn't feel anything.
All I do is think. I think its embarrassing but I don't feel embarrassed.
But I don't want to go back, they'll ask me about it.
They'll ask me if I'm alright, not because they care, but because they'd like to be polite. All they're doing is causing me trouble, not making me feel wanted.
None of this means anything to me at all.
Why do I have to be here?

All I want is what matters.

- 5:50 PM It was a typical scene for me those days.
Panting on the bathroom floor. It was disgusting. The very lengths I'd go through. All the crap that was on that floor - yeah, exactly that, among other things. But its the same way a crackwhore will sit in a shithole house so long as she has her drugs. That's all I could do to get it. No one could see in there, after all.
Except for him.
Again that disgust pouring into my soul like the sweat off my back. How long had I been in here? Hours, I bet. I should be sleeping. I need to sleep.
but I couldn't stop it.
Again another promise broken. I apologize again but by now he sees no meaning in it. I don't blame him, it won't change anything.
Something needs to stop me.
The perfect plan, I think I've got it. I mean, its not so hard.
One second, I tell him.
Hurry across the hall to my room. Not so far, which is a bad thing. I return, lock the door.
Look at this, a safety pin. Its really the only thing I could think of...the only thing I could find.
This is the answer to all of our problems, you see, this will make me stop.
But I'm scared of it. Scared of punishment. All I ever get is punishment. But its got to happen this time.
Shaking. The light is too bright in here. Scratch. That didn't hurt enough, didn't do enough. Try to stick it in the flesh further but fear stops it. Contorting the mind. Scratch. Yeah, that was bad enough. I convince myself. Its a lie though. Within a second I need it again. I go back on my promise not even half an hour after I make it. That's ok, punishment again. Scratch, scratch. Maybe the arm wasn't the best place, but its not even bleeding anyway. Can I even bleed? Am I alive? Oh well.
It falls from my hand. Its cold on this floor. Even with heat exploding from my body like it always does. The floor is cold. It is dirty. Filthy. Like me.
This punishment isn't bad enough. I can never punish myself enough to make me stop.
I'm sorry, I can't stop. Make it go away.
Make you go away.
I don't want you to go, please don't go, I want to be with you.
This hurts so much, please go away.
If I can just forget about you for a second. Forget you're here even though you're not.
Push you away from a monster like myself.


(I need to learn from the past.)

- 3:43 PM

Tell me,
what does love feel like?

- 10:34 AM

I feel like I'm horrible. Of course, I didn't know I could do that but I should've stopped once I realized what was happening. I keep telling myself it was only out of curiosity, to see if I actually could, but what if I was actually just trying to go back to how I was before?
I've been so strong until now.
I won't count it as breaking the vow, because I didn't technically do that. But I need to remember what I'm capable of.
I'm sorry.


Right now it feels like I'm losing everything.
I'm afraid that the only thing I know how to feel is fear.
Can you help me?