- 5:53 PM I can't even think about it or remember it. Yeah, I guess I'm a coward in that way. I know all of those things happened, I know how it felt to me. But I push it so far into the past that I refuse to even look at it. Its the past, why do I even have to think about it?
The thing is that I hate who I used to be. I was broken. But I didn't turn it on myself, no, of course not. It was everyone else. I always thought it that way. I hated everything, everyone. Because nobody knew. They didn't know how I felt, they knew nothing about my suffering, I couldn't tell any of them, they wouldn't care or wouldn't believe or both. This world, it was not my world so of course, it wanted to hurt me. I hated it. So I wouldn't let it hurt me.
I've said that love saved my life, but that is not true. HATE, saved my life.
I could have ended it all, gone home, sure there would've been punishment there, but it would've been worth it to be in my own world again. But, my hate.
For everything.
I knew how happy they would be if I gave in, how powerful they would feel - that they could make another being despise their life enough to take it. I hated them all. And I would never make them happy, never. They wanted me to give in, and hell if I was gonna do them any favours.
And so began my era of defiance. I trusted no one. Back then, it was true...not even my friends.
I became so utterly destructive, not to myself but to others, which may have ultimately affected me negativly, even if I couldn't realize it back then. Pain infected my entire body - emotionally and physically. That's what they called that counsellor in for. Her office looked nothing like they do in movies, it looked cold...I was never at ease. I can't talk to you, I can't. Yeah, I don't do my chores, that's what it is. Do I think that would help? Maybe. Maybe. That's what I always say. Maybe. I don't know.
I can't tell you, you don't care, and I hate you for it. You say you want to help me but you really just want to tell me that I'm making all this up. I would never tell you. Oh god, I'm not making this up. I'm so afraid.
Afraid? No, I can't be afraid. I'm not afraid of you. I hate you!
And all of my fears and my pain I cried out to him, I cried to him all night, begged, pleaded, you know the drill. And he'd comfort me, sometimes. But he would get angry. Or maybe not angry, but something like that.
I just wanted to forget everything, I needed something to push it all away. Oh, it was there, but if I just could ignore it for any amount of time. And that? It takes so much focus, so much concentration, becuase I never wanted it in the first place. But you see? If you focus on that so much, you'll forget everything else. If only for a moment.
Oh, I was pathetic.
And I despised myself for hurting him. What the hell was I doing?
And that bred more anger. I can't stop myself, I need to get away from this world. I had to leave. This place was no good for me. Oh won't you please bring me home? I promise I'll stop, just please bring me home.
but I was stupid, I doubt he even had that power. Besides, how could he love me after what I did? Even after apologizing, I'd already done him wrong. It was not to be forgiven.
I wanted to hurt everyone. I was trapped here, and the only way out, it seemed, was to fight. And I did hurt people. People I didn't care about...and those that I did. Oh god, how am I supposed to tell you THAT secret? Anger destroys so many things inside of people, and that leads people to destroy many things. I'm so, so sorry.
Then she came along. I thought she might believe me. She wasn't like everyone else. I'm sure you know that about her. Eventually I told her about him, of course I played the victim, I never did disclose that I was the one at fault. Of course, at that point, I didn't believe that I was. I'd grown to hate him too, because he left me here. Even though, it was me all along.
and she didn't think I was making him up. She believed me, or at least, she acted like she did, and that was enough.
But she left. Of course she left. "I understand" was the first thing I said. But I didn't. Not at all. I was trying to be civil but I couldn't even breathe. I had a ticket out of all this anger and hatred - imagine, in a world like this, finding something to love? But it was taken away from me. Anger, again. Hatred, even more than before.
But, in the end all of that, saved my life.
I couldn't stay the way I was. It was killing me. I had to change. I would never let this world destroy me. I fought so hard...first, because of her, I tried to become something I was not. I thought if I could be more like her, hey, maybe people would actually care. But I couldn't become that. So I thought it was hopeless. Cursed to be alone forever.
but something shone for me and I don't know from where, but I thank every god I can think of that it did. Hope. For years, I had nothing but this. This kept me going. Hope that, it couldn't end this way. I never expected it to happen, of course, because who would ever really believe or understand me? But I wanted so badly for that to happen, as long as there was even the faintest possibility I had to try for it. I needed something to live for. So, what did I pick? So unbefitting of a human who had become a nest for all sorts of anget and hatred, I chose love.
Hate can only do so much. Imagine, if I could find, in this world I hated so much, something to love?
Wouldn't that just be so profusely scandalous?
But there was no one there, because I trusted no one. Loving a person wasn't in my reach back then. Oh, I dreamed for so long that I would have someone who knew my pain. But those were only dreams.
What else could I love?
For a while, I loved the human mind. So sick and twisted. Capable of doing anything or prohibiting anything. So disgustingly ugly that it was, in a dark way, beautiful. We are such horrible creatures. None are like us.
But I never could love such minds for real, no. I still hated them.
So what else?
Eventually, I had focused on the Earth. In a way, it is like me. The Earth never chose for us to come and destroy it. We come and defile all that is holy and it can't do anything but be victimized by us. That, and continue on. All it knows how to do is go on, as best it can, despite what is hurting it.
I won't ever, ever give up on this.
This life is not easy. Happiness, is not easy. You are not entitled to it. In fact, it would make this world immensely joyful if you were as miserable as you can get. Such is the sickness of all of this.
But I need something different, or I can't live with myself.
I hate who I used to be. And I will NEVER let myself become that way again. And so I fight on every day against what could push me back into that, I am not going to let it destroy me, not ever again.
I have done so many horrible things for so many selfish reasons.
I can not be forgiven for these things, but
If I am to have any peace at all, it is in the fact that I am not that way anymore.

The past is in the past.
I have been so many things, but no longer.

That is why I can't even bear to think about it.