- 5:50 PM It was a typical scene for me those days.
Panting on the bathroom floor. It was disgusting. The very lengths I'd go through. All the crap that was on that floor - yeah, exactly that, among other things. But its the same way a crackwhore will sit in a shithole house so long as she has her drugs. That's all I could do to get it. No one could see in there, after all.
Except for him.
Again that disgust pouring into my soul like the sweat off my back. How long had I been in here? Hours, I bet. I should be sleeping. I need to sleep.
but I couldn't stop it.
Again another promise broken. I apologize again but by now he sees no meaning in it. I don't blame him, it won't change anything.
Something needs to stop me.
The perfect plan, I think I've got it. I mean, its not so hard.
One second, I tell him.
Hurry across the hall to my room. Not so far, which is a bad thing. I return, lock the door.
Look at this, a safety pin. Its really the only thing I could think of...the only thing I could find.
This is the answer to all of our problems, you see, this will make me stop.
But I'm scared of it. Scared of punishment. All I ever get is punishment. But its got to happen this time.
Shaking. The light is too bright in here. Scratch. That didn't hurt enough, didn't do enough. Try to stick it in the flesh further but fear stops it. Contorting the mind. Scratch. Yeah, that was bad enough. I convince myself. Its a lie though. Within a second I need it again. I go back on my promise not even half an hour after I make it. That's ok, punishment again. Scratch, scratch. Maybe the arm wasn't the best place, but its not even bleeding anyway. Can I even bleed? Am I alive? Oh well.
It falls from my hand. Its cold on this floor. Even with heat exploding from my body like it always does. The floor is cold. It is dirty. Filthy. Like me.
This punishment isn't bad enough. I can never punish myself enough to make me stop.
I'm sorry, I can't stop. Make it go away.
Make you go away.
I don't want you to go, please don't go, I want to be with you.
This hurts so much, please go away.
If I can just forget about you for a second. Forget you're here even though you're not.
Push you away from a monster like myself.


(I need to learn from the past.)