- 6:16 PM (looks like nothing's changed)
I just need someone to hold my hand and prove to me that I'm alive

All I'm doing is wasting away here and
no one even wants to save my life

no one wants to stop me from floating away into space

- 10:11 PM Crying unsteadily on Christmas Eve because nobody loves me and no one will keep me safe.
There's no one here protecting me and there never will be.
No one even wants to.
Everyone could live on just fine without me but they're all I have.

- 9:12 PM You cried because you didn't think I was real, that you thought it was all too good to be true
and I've been there. I've been in that exact situation and no one could understand why I was crying,
so I get it but...
By that point, I wasn't crying, because I already knew... or at least believed, that it wasn't true
I'd already given up on the thought that it could be anything for me, that I could find something in you that would save me and make me feel ok
That I could find that in anybody.
And I still feel the same way, everything will just be a muffled grey.
Which is fitting for someone like me, I suppose.
But you always thought it was something so big and so perfect, when I knew from the beginning it was not and that you could never help me.

- 6:18 PM No one loves me. No one cares about me. I'm not safe and no one is here to protect me. No one ever has and no one ever will. I'm alone, alone, alone. Everything's ending and if I ran away no one would miss me. If I died no one would stop me. No one would even be there. No one cares.

- 11:07 PM I'm an idiot and I have no idea what I want.
I think I want these things but what if it's just spur of the moment, what if it's just loneliness and insecurity?
I can't go confessing my love for someone just because I have some romanticized notion. Actions have consequences and when you tell someone you love them, you've gotta keep backing it up. You can't say "I made a mistake, I can't be in a relationship"
Sometimes I feel like I never really stopped loving her, but it's clear that I don't really understand my own feelings that well. Certainly not enough to trust them in big decisions. You can't say "I might be in love with you but I can't kiss you or do any of that coupley stuff, hope you don't mind!"
And I... I keep going back to this... I would take him back in a second. If he came to me and said he would stay I would never leave his side. But all of this, everything is so impossible. The chances are less than zero with either of them and I don't even know if I WANT there to be chances.
I'm such a fool. And I can't tell anyone, "I'm pining for a man who never existed" "I'm in love with him but really only knew him in a past life". It's crazy and sometimes I think that I am crazy
But he's a real person. A real person who's never coming back for me and I should just stop pretending that he will. He probably doesn't even think about me at all.

- 9:33 PM Everything has changed and everything I thought I wanted has been turned all around. Who am I now? I'm not exactly... upset about that but... I always thought love would save me, but it never has. Never, ever, ever. But now I'm surrounded with the realization that no one will save me. Do I need saving? Who knows. There will never be anyone to find out.
I would run back into his arms if he would save me. Into hers, too, but I know that's unlikely. It's all so damn unlikely and impossible.
And I find myself staring out at that red light, blinking there in the winter, and I want to run to it even though I know what it is. I know it isn't him. He's not coming back and I've got no one to run to. A light is just a light. But there's always the thought that maybe, just maybe it's a beacon. Maybe it's a saviour come to call me home.

- 5:48 AM Why reach out if my hand meets air?