- 6:07 AM Dec. 02 2007

Haven't been on PSC for a while. Too flustered to talk about things, or something like that.
-Stomach hurts (I won't tell her though cause she'll feel bad)
Cable was down this morning. I was sad - couldn't talk to her. Turns out she was at church anyway. No loss, right? Played video games instead of internet. That made me happy.
"You abhor me, don't you?" I knew exactly how he felt. But do I know how I feel?
Kept checking the phone to see if she was online. Got scared, went upstairs to cry. She said she would call me. I didn't want her to. I'm no good with phones. Sometimes she sounds like Meuki on the phone.
Says she wants to help me, but doesn't know how.
So, you can't help me? I feel alone again.
I love you. If I could see you now it would be ok. That's how you can help.
Hang up. Feel empty, can't cry. Cable is working, go online.
Eat dinner, garlic bread tastes bad. Not to be arrogant, but I can cook better than you.
Shower.
I'm so afraid today, don't know why.
Did I cry? I can't remember.
I say hi but you go offline. Nice name, are you emo right now? More fear.
I write a poem. I like it.
Forced to talk on the phone. Hi Granny, I don't really want to talk to you. You know nothing about me.
Might not be school tomorrow. I should read, just in case.
Christmas tree - reminds me of you. I want to help you. Do you want me? I'm scared today. Maybe it will be better tomorrow.
Didn't expect you to be online so late. I feel better, not scared anymore. Goodnight.

Dec. 03 2007

I had a very interesting dream. I love dreams like that. There was a part that reminded me of post secret. I hung up this banner on a pole that said "I WISH..." and the next day people had glued all their wishes and secrets to it. I wish I could actually do that!
I went online and she wasn't on. She's probably sick, sleeping in, but I miss her anyway. It IS actually a snow day today. So at least I don't have to sit through classes. I was standing by the radio, poised for the news, like some little kid. Busses are cancelled <3 YES! There's a source of joy at least.
She comes online! I'm glad she could stay home, she needs the rest. Extreme happiness.
I learned a nice lesson today, after watching "Cold Case".
"I am better than the worst thing I've done"
I guess, Nazis were people too. I learn new things every day.
She says my writing is cryptic...I like it that way. Its not that hard to figure out, is it? Bad enough I've gotta write it, I don't like explaining things.
But I love her, so I'll put up with that.
Didn't technically accomplish much today.
The Scarlet Letter is a good book, read it if you get the chance.

Dec. 04 2007

Feeling very happy right now. No reason that I can think of, seeing as I was crying for no reason just a few minutes ago.
Is that a bad sign?
Oh well! I'm happy!
Today I left a post-it note on the bus, it said:
"No matter what happens, you are not alone"
I hope it made someone happy.
I take the bus a lot, I think I'll leave more, if I can.
I start work tomorrow. My first real job. Pretty scary.
Today she told me she's materialistic. How'd we end up together? Oh well! I love her anyway!
Today, I also realized I really love the way my body looks. Even having boobs - I can deal with that.
I'm so full of hope right now!
I feel like I can help her.

PS: I couldn't find the notebook I used for the other entries, so I used this one!

PPS: A not-so-secret -- I love kissing her <3

Everybody! I'm feeling great!

Dec. 05 2007

first day of work today. About four hours of orientation! Boring. And, it was hot in there. I like my uniform.
I don't get to see her a lot, because of my training. Only for a week, but that's a long time...
So I'm emo now. I might get to see her friday though. I hope.
I'm not very happy to have a job, I feel tied-down, I can't do anything anymore.
Maybe it'll get better once training is done.
This entry seems short, but I'm tired and feel like crying for a bit, so I'll stop writing now.

Dec. 06 2007

First day of training! Watching videos for the first part...boring really. The next part...showing around the kitchen and such...I didn't sit down for so long. My back is killing me.
Is it just me, or do those trainers seem a little too enthusiastic about the job?
Disappointed to find out almost everything is pre-made at that place.
My friend called while I was gone...told me to call her back, but never picked up.
I was thinking about how amazing it is that I ended up with my girlfriend. How fate seemed to work out so perfectly.
Might see her tomorrow, won't know til then though.
Really tired, really thirsty.
Chocolate milk time!

Dec. 07 2007

What a day!
She came over today <3
I got to cuddle with her so much. That's good, since I can't see her much while I'm in training for work.
She actually almost read this notebook...I wonder if she knows about PSC?
I cried as soon as she left. I won't get to see her for so long!
I left another note on the bus. It said "YOU ARE LOVED"
I took the same bus back and there was a guy sitting where I left it. I wonder if he found it?
Work...not so good. Today, I fainted at work. I haven't fainted for over ten years. I don't know why it happened. I don't really want to go back, cause they'll talk about it, but I have to.
I was lying on the floor, blacked out and twitching, and I just thought about how this would make her worry about me. I wanted her there.
But she hasn't been online, so I'll talk to her tomorrow.
I wish that hadn't happened. I hate drawing attention to myself.

Dec. 08 2007

I miss her so much I can hardly go ten minutes without crying. This week is gonna be hard on me. I don't want to go back to work. Everyone will ask how I am. They'll all make up their own private theories as to why I fainted. But they know nothing about me. Everyone thinks they know everything, but they know nothing.
Told her about PSC, about this, cause she wants to read it.
I wonder if she'll go looking for me? It won't be hard. For some reason, I hope she doesn't.
I have to go to work soon. I don't want to.
My head hurts.
I wish I could quit now and leave all of this. None of it matters.
I miss her too much.
I'm crying again.

Work wasn't so bad. People didn't really talk about it. We didn't do anything though. Just stood around and watched demos. They made food... it looked so tasty <3 PASTA!
But then...
they threw it out
Breaks my heart!
How can you just do that? Aside from all the starving kids and stuff...Don't they care about the food at all? Shouldn't it mean something to them? That's what I don't like about that place. No passion for their creations.
All that food, gone.
Its like wasted lives.

I just got off the phone with her. Usually I start to cry but this time I didn't.
It felt weird.
My eyes hurt though. Both from being tired and from crying this morning.
I wonder if people can tell I've been crying?

Bedtime now.
Last entry.
Hope you enjoyed a week of my life...