- 9:07 PM I can't just end it like that, I need to sit here until I figure out what it is I'm trying to say.
I'm not accepting that as an answer. Because it's true that you are saving me and I'm not going to just throw that aside for some little whim of mine.
So then what's going on?
Let me try to work through this.

My body is just as it should be and should not be influenced by the whims of what I feel inside. My body is a woman and my body is mine. I would not go as far as to say that "I am a woman", but I know that I am sometimes. I have and never will be a man. I settle at a happy androgyny.
Am I alright with being owned?
I thought I was and I thought this was what I wanted but now I realize, though I've always known, that it needs to come with a mutual understanding between two people. As I see it I belong to you, though I've never actually told you that. That is why I won't say no or stand up for myself. And I thought it was all just part of being yours. But that's not true. Because you do not know any of this you cannot help.
Part of being in an ownership role is looking after someone and making them happy. Looking at their best interests and using your role in order to help them and take care of them. But you did not know this is your role. I got angry because you were not fulfilling it but how could you if I never told you what I was feeling? I was in the wrong, I see.
All that anger just from assuming you knew what you were supposed to be doing and thinking you were intentionally ignoring it.

When they try to attack me I am separated. From everything. But myself.
It becomes an acute agoraphobia and if I am alone the only way I can deal with it is by trying to supress the feeling. This is probably a bad idea.
Everything around me becomes air. Becomes a vaccum. And everything that I am pulls into myself and I am smaller than I really am and
I am nothing, aren't I?
I'm apart.
I already know how you save me from this. If I can just touch you then there is someone else who is a part of me. I am not nothing. I am not falling anywhere and I am not lost. You anchor me.
but you are not always there.
or I can not always touch you.
So how do I stop them from coming? How do I get them to stop preying on me altogether?
they want to destroy me and they can as long as I don't know who "me" is.
Myself, as a person.
Apart from you or anyone else.
And maybe this is not about what I am meant to do or if I am lucky or the things I can accomplish. All of those things can vary but this is something that just is and that's all there is to it.
I know that I love you but who is the person who loves you

that is why I am so confused.

My memory is a part of this. Everything that happens it seems as if it is automatically repressed. I can only review things in flashes. There is no full moment of my life left intact. And the more I try to remember these flashes the more they're sucked dry, the more they tatter and fall away from me and I lose them forever.
And so I never really know what happened completely. They can attack me with lies and I can't lose sight of the truth.
I can't let it happen.

I can talk myself out of it sometimes. "This isn't happening." "I am not alone." "You're lying."
But that doesn't change the fact that they're still attacking me and I still can't fight them off every time.
I know there's a way to stop this but I still don't know what it is.

Will you love me for who I am, if I figure this out? Will you love what i do and what I can't do?
Will you love everything about me. Not question yourself whether I am really worth it or why you're even here with me?
Can I stop questioning this?
Can I believe that I'm worth it so that I can believe they YOU think I'm worth it?

I don't know if I hate people or if I just hate the potential they have to house them? People can embody that sense of falling. I am apart from them. It's tiring and it's sickening. Trying to feel "like a normal person should feel", is not working. I've never had the courage to be myself. And only myself, in situations like that. I always "have" to lie. I've said it before, why do we lie?

why do we kill?

I am something but I don't know what.
Sometimes it's hard just to leave the house because the sun shines down sharp like a knife and they hide in every ray. And everywhere I look I am nothing and nothing is familliar.
That's why I go outside at night. Because they can't hurt me in the shadows.

I'm afraid but...I'm pretty sure that I can do this. That the next time they start attacking I won't give in.
Not just that I can do this with you but that I, myself, can do this.
Maybe I will go do things alone. Maybe, but maybe not just yet. Please be patient with me, because I am still learning.
I need to stop being afraid of your anger every time I try to do something.
Trust me that even if it takes a while I'll get things done, one way or another.

Do you love me enough to do that?