- 6:05 PM There is a fire burning inside of me, it just gets stronger and stronger the longer I'm away from you. Sometimes I don't even know how I'm managing to stand it. I need to see you again.
Its something I don't think you would understand. Or maybe you would. Don't worry, I can take it. But I need you, and I need to be close to you. I'm almost going mad.
But the problem is I never let it out. Whenever I see you I think that you'd probably get mad and that I'd be better off not doing it. I figured that if you don't initiate it then you don't want it. I know its kind of straight-forward that you would but...It isn't really something I can sense. Or something I would trust my senses on. Even after all this time. What am I, stupid?

I have thought about it, as I told you, and I think I do understand what you mean by the closeness...And believe me, I would love to feel that kind of closeness but...I can't if it involves sex. Its one of those things that works in theory but not in practice. Its a nice thought. But it wouldn't work out that way. Maybe if I didn't realize what I was doing. But that wouldn't happen. I would realize it. And even if I did manage to carry on after that point, it would not be what you think it will. It will not be closeness. I will be completely detached, I wonder if you'd notice. I remember it from back with Cassy...When I was doing those things to her it was like I was in a completely different dimension from her. I could not be more distant. Just going through the motions. And when I think back on it, it was so stupid. I didn't feel anything. Sure I was happy that I was making her happy but I hardly even understood what I was doing...it meant nothing to me, even afterwards.

If I'm just going through the motions its no more than a big lie.
And that, is not right.